Thursday, December 2, 2010

At a crossroads

I have been a working mom since day one, and I have worked for the same individual for the past ten plus years. It has been great, and I/we have been continuously blessed. I have had flexibility,  been paid well, and really, I/we have just been taken care of along the way. I completely have enjoyed being a work-outside-of-the-home and a work-in-the-home mom (because I do both), and for years, I have adamantly said that I would have it no other way. I could not relate to mothers who didn't want to go back to work after their children were born. Foreign concept to me, and I just didn't envy it.

{ As far as my children were/are concerned, I have never ascribed to the 'bonding' and 'attachment' issues that some claim can occur when a young child is in day care. I don't think we need to make up an excuse to stay home with our children, just as I don't think those who work outside of the home during the day need to defend their decision to do so. I digress. }

I started out with a fiery passion to succeed in my current position, so, of course, I feel that I 'earned' much of what I was blessed with. In the past ten years, every vacation has been accompanied by my laptop, because I cared about what was happening while I was away, and I was super competitive. If it needed done, everyone could count on me to do it.  I would jump through hoops to take care of things, and I think that was more about my drive than someone's (in)ability to take care of things in my absence. Although, I got so incredibly aggravated when silly mistakes were made.  I really, really cared. I can thank my father, rest his soul, for that work ethic. It is a great trait to have.

But then, throughout the past two years, it feels as if my work-spirit has been slowly breaking.  Some unfortunate events occurred that literally had me within seconds of walking out on numerous occasions. But, my loyalty was always greater than my anger. Plus, the economy was pretty tough then (as if it isn't now!) so I would of had to have been crazy to think about quitting my job without a back up. However, since those events, my mindset has just not been the same...

... which really ticks me off because Matt is having a hay-day doing his own thing (from home!) and loving every minute of it. I am just kidding... I am not really ticked off. I am totally thrilled that he is FINALLY happy with what he has going on. It's been a long road, people. A very long road. But what a change in someone when they are doing something day in and day out that they are passionate about! Incredible.

Matt's company and projects have been going so well, that he and I have talked and talked and talked about me helping him... like work with him. Plus, our children are at the ages that require MUCH of our time... running them here and there... picking up this and that... running them there and back to here... etc. Right now, Matt takes on alot of that responsibility because he is the one at home before and immediately after school, which means his time is abbreviated during the day, and he spends hours working at night to stay caught up.

Insert my mid-life crisis brain into all of this... you know... the one that keeps telling me that life is too short to spend it doing something you don't love... and money isn't everything... and just because the conventional way to live is to have a steady job, work hard for years until retirement, and then enjoy life, doesn't mean that is the right way (it just means there are many unhappy folks out there)... and, it is MY life, not the man's... blah, blah, blah...

So, what is a girl to do?

Stay tuned.

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