Tuesday, December 7, 2010

30 Days of Truth {Day 3} Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This little challenge from Courtney over at Live Beautiful is getting more difficult. Click the "30 Days of Truth" tab above to check out what I have revealed so far.

On to... something I have to forgive myself for.

My Dad passed away when I was 26 years old and about 7 1/2 months pregnant with Audrey, our oldest, who is now twelve. At the time my Dad died, Matt and I lived in South Carolina, with my Dad and Mom in Ohio.  We would travel back and forth as many weekends as we could, and I saw my Dad for the last time a week before he died.

Looking back, I don't feel like I said enough to him before he died. I wish I had that time back, and I think about it often. I can't even think of anything specific I would have said... I just don't feel the 'closure'... maybe you never do when you lose a parent... I don't know.

I honestly think, in my immaturity at that age, I was more concerned about looking 'strong' for my Dad during his illness... and I didn't want my sadness to bring him any additional emotions, as he was looking death head on. I don't think I could have said all of the things I should have said without completely losing it. Instead, I just tried to 'nurse' him the best I could and he would allow.

I also don't think that at that stage of life (pre-children) that I could fully understand the love between a parent and a child. I know that sounds silly because at that age, who would not understand that... especially for a family as close as mine...? But I hadn't quite reached that stage where you realize how much you appreciate your parents, their unconditional love for you, or how much they have molded who you are.

I am sure the feeling to have the need to 'forgive myself' for not saying enough to Dad before he died also has to do with how much I wish he was here now to see my kids (and my nieces and nephews) and what awesome little people they have become. There is so much that I want him to be a part of now.

Okay, that's enough... or I will start to cry (more)... I actually had to write this while my Mom is at my sister's house in Memphis all of this week... in the hopes that she wouldn't read it...

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  1. Oh sister....Ditto for me on this one!!
    One thing though...I thought you didn't cry!!??

  2. Mom sitting right here...do i pass her the iPad or not?

  3. Oh sister....Ditto for me on this one!!
    One thing though...I thought you didn't cry!!??