This little challenge from Courtney over at Live Beautiful is getting more difficult. Click the "30 Days of Truth" tab above to check out what I have revealed so far.
On to... something I have to forgive myself for.
My Dad passed away when I was 26 years old and about 7 1/2 months pregnant with Audrey, our oldest, who is now twelve. At the time my Dad died, Matt and I lived in South Carolina, with my Dad and Mom in Ohio. We would travel back and forth as many weekends as we could, and I saw my Dad for the last time a week before he died.
Looking back, I don't feel like I said enough to him before he died. I wish I had that time back, and I think about it often. I can't even think of anything specific I would have said... I just don't feel the 'closure'... maybe you never do when you lose a parent... I don't know.
I honestly think, in my immaturity at that age, I was more concerned about looking 'strong' for my Dad during his illness... and I didn't want my sadness to bring him any additional emotions, as he was looking death head on. I don't think I could have said all of the things I should have said without completely losing it. Instead, I just tried to 'nurse' him the best I could and he would allow.
I also don't think that at that stage of life (pre-children) that I could fully understand the love between a parent and a child. I know that sounds silly because at that age, who would not understand that... especially for a family as close as mine...? But I hadn't quite reached that stage where you realize how much you appreciate your parents, their unconditional love for you, or how much they have molded who you are.
I am sure the feeling to have the need to 'forgive myself' for not saying enough to Dad before he died also has to do with how much I wish he was here now to see my kids (and my nieces and nephews) and what awesome little people they have become. There is so much that I want him to be a part of now.
Okay, that's enough... or I will start to cry (more)... I actually had to write this while my Mom is at my sister's house in Memphis all of this week... in the hopes that she wouldn't read it...