Sunday, March 27, 2011

Bikini ready - me or Matt?

Listen beotches, I am gonna tell you the way it is.

I am not feeling good about my uncovered, naked body  right now, at age whatever I am. I think I am 37 1/2. Or 38 1/2.

Regardless, the past few years have NOT been good to my body. And, no, of course, I have not been good to it. I friggin' LOVE the taste of an icy cold beer. And with beer, you must have popcorn. The whole bag. Sometimes  two. Every night since the age of 4 (I guess since my memory is not that good), I have had popcorn every single night.

Hungry? With a whole bag of popcorn, you must have one, two or three beers. 
Those are my eating vices. Popcorn. Beer.

I don't crave any other foods. In fact, most days, I make it to dinner, forgetting to have eaten lunch. Me and food just don't have a huge attachment. I could take it or leave it.  I know what is next for some of you --- well, THAT is why you have gained weight/fat, because you aren't eating. Negative. I have always been this way with food. Always. 

And, I may as well tell you here that by trade, I was a dietitian. MS, RD, LD were behind my name for a good many years. I paid for those letters with many dollars and brain cells. I know all there is to know about weight gain, weight loss. I know that all of the weight control crap in the health food stores are a bunch of bunk.

As a practicing dieitian, I loved to piss overweight people off by claiming my slender ways were due to proper eating, because, and to this day I swear it, other than popcorn and beer, I eat really, really well. (Thank you Mom for raising us in a house without junk. It paid off.)  But, I am at that point in my life that I still eat well, but time, kids, lack of exercise, beer & popcorn have caught up with me, and I am eating crow. 

Exercise. I loathe it. You may not, but I do. You may  hate it, as well, but you do it anyway. Hooray for you.  Give yourself a medal. You are my hero.

I prefer activity that is incorporated into my daily life. Lazy, I am not. I just HATE EXERCISE.  Tell me to go walk 5 miles, and THAT I would gladly do. Tell me to train for a 5K, and there is no way on God's green earth I would ever agree to such tomfoolery. Tell me to show up to the gym every morning at 6am before the day starts, and nope. That isn't happening either. It isn't a flaw a-hole... it is just that I may be different than you. Go figure. 

Okay, so Matt, after being heckled by our children this past week --- one of them said he looked like Santa Claus and another said he was flat out fat --- decided he needed to do something

I then suggested that we do a bit of a contest to see who... loses more weight? We don't have a scale. Threw that out last time Matt was feeling fat (and we ended up doing P90X that year). Looks better? I definitely has less work to do. ( :::snicker::: we see each other NAKED people!) But, competition is the only way Matt will also do something about his physique.  He, too, definitely doesn't have weight to lose, but he has much shaping up to do.

Let me just say that Matt eats horribly. And, it has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with what his lovely wife provides him. God help us if he is the one that does the grocery shopping. Seriously. When I shop, our refrigerator is FULL of fruits and veggies. When he shops, our pantry is FILLED with crap. Thankfully, he no longer does the grocery shopping. Ey, ey, ey. 

Tomorrow is the day. We start the contest. 

We are taking different routes in our weight loss / firming up adventure, and there is no 'end', because we know  who will win. By the time I am ready to get in my bikini, game over.  I can either spend money on different bathing suits, again, or I can lose the yuck. 

Kids choose the winner. They have actually already decided the winner, but we will still play the game. Not because I want to, but because I have to.  

Matt went to the grocery store tonight to get some stuff we can only get at the local grocery (versus SuperWalmart, where I will be heading tomorrow. Geez. I may need to shop at the market/health food store from now on!).  

Anyhoo, this is what Matt came home with (do you spot the bowl of chocolate kisses to the right of his stash?). Makes me giggle. I reminded him that he could not eat the entire box of snack bars in one sitting.

I will blog about my 'journey', but I am not going to reveal my strategy, quite yet. 

Let's just say that the children have been forewarned that for the next seven days, Mom is gonna be a witch with a capital B. And, I will offer no apologies. No beer, no corn, and a lot of nothing else for the short term. 

Let your imagination run wild. My head hurts already just thinking about it. Seriously, I start to shake thinking of the possible hypoglycemia I may encounter. 

2 months. 2 months to get bikini ready. I better look gooooooood. 'Cause if I am going to be mean, I at least better look good.

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