If it makes so much sense, why is it so dang hard?!

Those of you that keep up with the happenings around here (that have to do with #WINNING), have asked me what 'we' have been doing for our weight control 'contest'. 

We - okay, really, I - have been trying to eat high protein, low carb and unprocessed. If you strip it down, it is really eating as our ancestors ate.  If it was available to them, it is perfect. If it has been processed at all (pastas, canned soups, boxed, bagged or dry anything, etc.), it has been off limits (at least mentally). 

You know what that means, right? Right. Turn the pantry into a coat closet. IT IS ALL JUNK. 

It is truly astounding what we put in our bodies and in our children's bodies when you start paying attention. And, I am not just talking about high fat and high sugar foods.

In my past life, I was a Registered Dietitian, and one of our mantras when teaching classes on healthy eating was 'always shop the perimeter' which meant staying out of the aisles of the grocery store. I never paid much attention to that suggestion in my own life until recently. (For the record, I am seriously questioning the Food Guide Pyramid or whatever they call it nowadays. It is a bunch of bunk.)

It is really difficult, especially with children, to eat like a caveman. Plus, I am an all or none kind of girl. I either do it, do it right, or don't do it at all. And, the guilt when eating something processed is stressing me out completely!

Here is why. Because cutting all of that crap out of your meals and snacks works, yet it is a complete lifestyle change. In just three weeks, I have lost some girth, I feel great (with the exceptions of those times when I have caved and eaten carbs), and my mind is clear(er). My energy level is exponentially more than what it was four weeks ago. I can stay up past 9 o'clock on most evenings. True. But, it is very difficult to stick with, especially with kids in the house.

You certainly won't see pictures posted on this blog of my bitchin' bikini ready body... so you will just have to take my word for it that it exists. Okay, it isn't bitchin', but it wouldn't give you nightmares for a week if you saw it in a bikini right now. 

The processing to make our lives easier and meals more convenient is killing us.  It is no wonder that we are a nation of the obese, tired, and hypertensive. 

However, I would give virtually anything for someone to slip me a processed carb right now... stuffed with cheese, and smothered in a delicious sauce.   

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Have you done the Paleo or Primal Blueprint plans? Did they work for you? Most importantly, what have you done to make it lifestyle change instead of it being a temporary fix? I wanna know!! And, I really want to know if you have kids in your home!!

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And now, it is time to vote! Once a day. Remember, I write, you vote... and you should be COMMENTING. So many of you have awesome things to share with me, albeit not on the blog, but they would be such an addition to this one-sided conversation! Don't be afraid... go anonymous if you must!

Hello, meet my husband, Chumlee

Yesterday, I was busy doing things you do on a Saturday afternoon, and Matt was doing bills and checking email while at the kitchen table. As I passed him to head out the sliding glass door, I glance on his computer screen and see this, and Matt says, "Mmmmm... this is my favorite."

While our little 'competition' (I use the term loosely) has taken a nosedive, it is clear that I am the winner. My popcorn and beer have crept back into my life, albeit on a much lesser frequency - but my will power sucks - and Matt has cultivated his love of fast food more than he cares to admit. 

We were watching Pawn Stars on the History channel on Friday night, and right then, Matt decides that he really likes Chumlee. In fact, he likes him so much that becoming Chumlee is now his goal. To heck with becoming bikini ready. Chumlee is the man. 

Where did Chumlee get his nickname? Friends in elementary school took the name from cartoon character Tennessee Tuxedo’s sidekick, a walrus named Chumley. A walrus. I don't know about you, but every man should aspire to be named after a walrus.

 

Bikini ready

If I say I am bikini ready now, after two weeks of non-processed, non-carb nonsense, can I please feast on homemade perogies?

This is the week in review...

It is all a blur. A blur of SlimFast shakes, mozarella and tomato salads, nuts, water and meat. Very little carbs. Because this eating plan is such a pain in the rear, I prefer to just grab a SlimFast shake and go. Statisfy my hunger and move on. There is a reason processed foods are so popular, and I now know that reason all too well. I did enjoy a few beers this week, although I do miss my Coors Light.

My midsection has shrunk. Definition is back, and can actually see some 'muscle'. I use that term loosely. My pants are fitting better. 

Most importantly, I feel so much better. Tons more energy than before. My mind {appears to be} much clearer.

Can I just be done now and do this all again when bikini season is a bit closer? I just want to cheat a little {more}.

After all, I truly am the one #WINNING. Matt sucks at this competition, although I will admit he has much more to do to reach his goal (which is .... ???), and considering his obstacles, he is doing awesome.  

And, he is hot.

Dom DeLuise and yours truly. I love Matt and his hats!

#WINNING

Matt and I have finished one week of our weight control contest. Here is where we stand:

• I went the entire Monday - Thursday without beer or popcorn. In fact, after 6:00pm, every single night, I was done eating. Yes, I was feeling a bit famished by 8 or 9pm, but I also felt less bloated (I hate that word but it fits), and my energy level was incredible, all day long, especially in the evening. I even stayed awake and remained productive until 10pm on most nights. #WINNING
• Both of us successfully carved the carbs out of our diet. It was not bad at all. Matt was able to have one 'normal' meal ever day, where he got a few more carbs than I allowed myself, but he's a dude. He needs them more. #WINNING
• Matt and I have been walking together (and sometimes not). For Matt, walking almost daily has increased his exercise by about 200%. All I have to say is thank goodness for warmer weather on the horizon. We could walk forever without the bitter cold blowing in our faces. #WINNING
• Last night, I rewarded myself with some beers (and about 1/3 of a bag of popcorn) since it was GNI. Barley & hops. Sweet goodness. And, I ate a Triscuit or two. The voice in my head warning me against carbs was seriously annoying. #WINNING
• Today on our walk, Matt told me he is very intriqued all of a sudden with calories. He said it as if calories are some new fandangled thing in the universe just discovered. He even went online and researched his beloved Chic-Fil-A meals. His eyes have been opened. Hopefully, his mouth will stay closed. #WINNING
• We bought a new scale. It lies. Precisely why I threw the last one away. Worst money I have ever spent. It tends to flucuate 5 pounds both ways. I don't care what that stupid scale says. I have some smaller sized clothes tucked away that I shall use as my affirmation or motivation. Scales are not #WINNING.

• I told my peeps last night that once I get this nonsense under control, and it won't take long, that maybe I could just indulge in a beer or two during the weekend, like 'normal' people. Novel, isn't it? Your every evening not ending in an ice cold one or two? It totally goes against my familial grain, but der, it will work. #WINNING

• I upped my vitamin regimen this week, too. Before all of this bikini-ready stuff started, I had ordered some Biometic Liquid Supplement. I have only had it a couple of days, but I am hoping it does all that it says it will do. If so, I will continue to be #WINNING.

I love #WINNING, so I am kindly asking for your vote at TopMommyBlogs.com. It is a great way to get blogs recognize on the internets, and by visiting (& voting through clicking on the brown bar), you can find some super good reads! Mwah! Thanks for your support!

The best personal weight loss plan

Hahaha... I love using titles like that, and if you know anything about search engine optimization, you know why. Psych! If you are looking for sound weight loss advice, you may want to consider some other options. Because... come on readers, say it with me... "Anne White knows a lot about nothing."

If you remember, Matt and I are competing to see who will look better in a bikini by the time bikini season is here (I guess I decide when that is because [hopefully] I will be the only one IN a bikini). 

The real title of this post should be, "I fell prey to the ad"... yep, I did.

I saw an ad for a supplement power/drink called Almased.   It is basically like any other protein drink (with very little or no carbs)... it puts your body into ketosis, causes your body to lose much water, you look leaner (because you are dehydrated), and your body eventually begins to use the fat in your body as fuel (versus using carbs). It is pretty much the same thing that happens w/ the Atkins Diet... or untreated diabetes.

If I was still an MS, RD, LD, my cards would be REVOKED. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Doods, if I had the cash, I would have by butt cut off, too.

Yesterday was it. According to the packaging, one is supposed to drink an Almased shake for breakfast and dinner, with a meal in between. I tried it.

Here is the gist of it... ALMASED IS THE WORST TASTING ANYTHING ON THIS PLANET. So much so, that as I successfully downed it two times yesterday, I told myself I could realistically eat anything... even bazillion legged millipedes. Survivor, here I come! (Psst... if that ever happens, remind me to take my Outdoor Living Shoes with me.)

Yesterday, I had:

• Almased shake (with water to mix)
• Spinach salad with every veggie you can think of piled on.
• Almased shake (this time with milk and strawberries blended in - tasted worse. Blech)
• Vegetable broth
• Cottage cheese w/ grapes
• 400 gallons of water

I also walked just over 2 miles.

By the time 3:00pm rolled around yesterday, my head hurt like a son of a you-know-what. I was dizzy. The light hurt my eyes. Bad shape. Not as mean as I thought I would be though.

But, the HUGE accomplishment of the day was no popcorn and no beer before bed. In fact, I had nothing after 6:00pm or so. (A big thanks to my BFF, Colleen, who decided to text me a picture of her and her Coors Light can last night. Not phased, I tell you.)

I woke up today feeling ffffiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnneeeeee.

I could not bring myself to drink Almased this morning. I was warned. I read the reviews. I didn't think anything could taste THAT bad. Well, it does. There has to be something people drink it with to make it better. Or it wouldn't be selling (and it seems to be).

SlimFat (aka Matt) let me borrow a SlimFast shake for breakfast. Yum. It was seriously like the best thing I have ever drank (next to my Coors Light, of course). And, for lunch, I had the most delicious spinach, mozarella, tomato, walnut, & vinegarette salad. Sweet lady I work with then brought me a delish whey protein shake. Yum. (No lie.)

No headaches. No tiredness. I didn't even need the veggie broth. I am a machine. (Makes me giggle every time I say it.)

Who knows what dinner may hold for me... I know it will include spinach because we have a boat load of it at home... with possibly some peppered pork loin and goat cheese on top?

So, who needs a canister of Almased? It is like powdered gold.

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(Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny is over, but TopMommyBlogs.com will never end! You can vote every day, and every day, I will remind you. Just do it... you will make me feel so much better about myself... mwah!!!)

Bikini ready - me or Matt?

Listen beotches, I am gonna tell you the way it is.

I am not feeling good about my uncovered, naked body  right now, at age whatever I am. I think I am 37 1/2. Or 38 1/2.

Regardless, the past few years have NOT been good to my body. And, no, of course, I have not been good to it. I friggin' LOVE the taste of an icy cold beer. And with beer, you must have popcorn. The whole bag. Sometimes  two. Every night since the age of 4 (I guess since my memory is not that good), I have had popcorn every single night.

Hungry? With a whole bag of popcorn, you must have one, two or three beers. 

Those are my eating vices. Popcorn. Beer.

I don't crave any other foods. In fact, most days, I make it to dinner, forgetting to have eaten lunch. Me and food just don't have a huge attachment. I could take it or leave it.  I know what is next for some of you --- well, THAT is why you have gained weight/fat, because you aren't eating. Negative. I have always been this way with food. Always. 

And, I may as well tell you here that by trade, I was a dietitian. MS, RD, LD were behind my name for a good many years. I paid for those letters with many dollars and brain cells. I know all there is to know about weight gain, weight loss. I know that all of the weight control crap in the health food stores are a bunch of bunk.

As a practicing dieitian, I loved to piss overweight people off by claiming my slender ways were due to proper eating, because, and to this day I swear it, other than popcorn and beer, I eat really, really well. (Thank you Mom for raising us in a house without junk. It paid off.)  But, I am at that point in my life that I still eat well, but time, kids, lack of exercise, beer & popcorn have caught up with me, and I am eating crow. 

Exercise. I loathe it. You may not, but I do. You may  hate it, as well, but you do it anyway. Hooray for you.  Give yourself a medal. You are my hero.

I prefer activity that is incorporated into my daily life. Lazy, I am not. I just HATE EXERCISE.  Tell me to go walk 5 miles, and THAT I would gladly do. Tell me to train for a 5K, and there is no way on God's green earth I would ever agree to such tomfoolery. Tell me to show up to the gym every morning at 6am before the day starts, and nope. That isn't happening either. It isn't a flaw a-hole... it is just that I may be different than you. Go figure. 

Okay, so Matt, after being heckled by our children this past week --- one of them said he looked like Santa Claus and another said he was flat out fat --- decided he needed to do something. 

I then suggested that we do a bit of a contest to see who... loses more weight? We don't have a scale. Threw that out last time Matt was feeling fat (and we ended up doing P90X that year). Looks better? I definitely has less work to do. ( :::snicker::: we see each other NAKED people!) But, competition is the only way Matt will also do something about his physique.  He, too, definitely doesn't have weight to lose, but he has much shaping up to do.

Let me just say that Matt eats horribly. And, it has nothing, absolutely nothing, to do with what his lovely wife provides him. God help us if he is the one that does the grocery shopping. Seriously. When I shop, our refrigerator is FULL of fruits and veggies. When he shops, our pantry is FILLED with crap. Thankfully, he no longer does the grocery shopping. Ey, ey, ey. 

Tomorrow is the day. We start the contest. 

We are taking different routes in our weight loss / firming up adventure, and there is no 'end', because we know  who will win. By the time I am ready to get in my bikini, game over.  I can either spend money on different bathing suits, again, or I can lose the yuck. 

Kids choose the winner. They have actually already decided the winner, but we will still play the game. Not because I want to, but because I have to.  

Matt went to the grocery store tonight to get some stuff we can only get at the local grocery (versus SuperWalmart, where I will be heading tomorrow. Geez. I may need to shop at the market/health food store from now on!).  

Anyhoo, this is what Matt came home with (do you spot the bowl of chocolate kisses to the right of his stash?). Makes me giggle. I reminded him that he could not eat the entire box of snack bars in one sitting.

 

I will blog about my 'journey', but I am not going to reveal my strategy, quite yet. 

Let's just say that the children have been forewarned that for the next seven days, Mom is gonna be a witch with a capital B. And, I will offer no apologies. No beer, no corn, and a lot of nothing else for the short term. 

Let your imagination run wild. My head hurts already just thinking about it. Seriously, I start to shake thinking of the possible hypoglycemia I may encounter. 

2 months. 2 months to get bikini ready. I better look gooooooood. 'Cause if I am going to be mean, I at least better look good.

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