Being unsocial in a social world

I had a friend and neighbor email me today. She had stumbled across my blog and she was commenting on the 'about me' page.

This partial paragraph resonated with her...

Much to everyone's surprise (I haven't met one person who agrees), I am a social introvert, and I would prefer to stay at home rather than interact with those outside of these walls.

In our emails back and forth, we realized that when it comes to being social, we are very much alike. We are not social, or we prefer not to be, but our husbands are.

My friend asked me how Matt and I handle the dochotomy.

I'll get to that, but I wanted to first tell you about my unsocial ways.  I know some of you think I am down right lying. You have seen me at Halloween parties, school events, and I may have possibly chatted your ear off even today.

It is like I am social introvert trapped in an extrovert's body... or is it a social extrovert trapped in an introvert's body... whoa... slow this train down. 

Here is how Matt describes it: You hate [it]. You would rather not do [it]. But, when you do, you have a great time. And then you act like new people you have met are your besties. (He used the word 'besties', not me.)

I have always preferred to be a homebody. If I had the choice (I shall use that term loosely), I wouldn't go anywhere or meet anyone new. There would be no barbeques, New Year's parties, movie nights, school functions or neighborhood gatherings.

In college, I was the dork at the library on a Thursday, Friday AND Saturday night. Sssshhhh... there is no socializing in the library. Quiet time.

I like everything in my life to be planned and orderly. So, unplanned social time especially freaks me out.

(I realize that if you are local to me, I just have likely alienated myself from you, and I will never get invited anywhere, ever again, but keep the invites coming... I am a work in progress!) 

Maybe it is a fear of the unknown (i.e. meeting someone new, having to strike up conversation, making an ass of myself - which I have been known to do - etc.). Or possibly just preferring the path of least resistance (i.e. not having to get 'ready', line up babysitting, figure out logistics, be on someone else's time schedule, not making an ass of myself, etc.). 

To someone naturally social, those things may seem flat out crazy and difficult to understand. But for me, and many others, they are real and can be socially debilitating.

Matt, for example, can talk to anyone, anywhere... and get a business deal out of it, plus two tickets to a basketball game and free drinks. On the contrary, networking kills me. Yet, by job title, I am in sales.

How can we be so different? Because we are. And, here is how we deal with it.

1. Compromise, compromise, compromise.

Typically, it is Matt that sets our social schedule (or, as it is pretty clear here, we wouldn't have one at all). Which is fine, in most cases, but it won't work if we both aren't flexible. For example, he may decide that we are going to do something, but I decide how long we will be doing it. Or, I may go all crazy and accept an invitation to a fundraiser when he least expects it.

2. Be social, but not too social.

Matt knows that in most social settings, he cannot just leave me to fend for myself. I follow him like a good obedient dog, do a lot of head nodding and smiling to make it seem like I am in the conversation... when I am really counting down the minutes until we can head out. (If ever runs for public office, I am dead meat.)

I also know my social limits. Take volunteering at the kids' school, for example. No committee based volunteering, because chit-chat drives me nutso and I am a control freak. But, I will give as much time as you need, I will bake fifty dozen cookies, and I can sit with kids sewing sock puppets for as long as you need me.

3. Medication.

I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. But sometimes I like to make you think I'm one. I have no clue what a real doctor would tell you about social anxiety, but in my experience, medication has worked wonders. On many different levels. And, it beats becoming dependent on alcohol to get you through social situations. Although, alcohol helps, too. Who am I trying to kid? Okay, maybe talk to your doctor. Just a thought.

{ Seriously, as I am typing this, I get an email from Matt asking if we can do a night out this weekend with his partner at CutOutsideTheLine.com and his wife. Both are super cool... and she is just like me when it comes to being social... so, we likely won't be having dinner with them this weekend. Haha! }

4. Include family.

In my case, I am perfectly comfortable around my family, and if you are naturally unsocial, you may be, too. Well, not around MY family... they are cRaZy and would scare you to death... but you are likely comfortable around YOUR family. When your significant other is feeling the need to be social, try scheduling something with family (or anyone else in your comfort zone). Getting out and being social doesn't necessarily mean meeting new people... at least not all of the time.

5. Live in the moment.

Easier said than done, right? I have found that when I let my guard down and actually just live life, instead of worrying about what is coming next, I can have a darn good, non-anxiety-filled time. I don't HAVE to be in bed at nine o'clock every night, even on New Year's Eve... but I prefer to. When I look back, if I hadn't taken a chance or two (or fifteen hundred) at doing things or going places, I wouldn't have met some awesome people along the way.

6. Lower your standards.

My friend and I both confirmed today that, often times, we don't want to be social in our own homes because of our OCD/perfectionist tendencies. The house isn't clean. We don't have the right kind of food. They will bring their kids and ick! kids are just gross and make a mess.  Chaos. Oh, the chaos that goes along with entertaining.

Does it really matter? Well, to us, the non-social, perfectionists,  it does. But no, not in the bigger scheme of things. Too bad we aren't wired to think that way.

As I told my friend today, I think with age and as the kids grow, and as life just gets crazier, we need to lower our standards and expectations. Things will never be perfect, and that is okay.

Easy for me to say, harder for me to do. 

I am now going to crawl into my hole and let you tell me how crazy I am... and, then tell me that I am. not. a. social. introvert. G' head. Have at it.

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Are you also a self-proclaimed social introvert? Is your significant other? How do you handle it?  

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Puh-leeeeeeeezzzz!  Don't send me back to #14! Just a quick click on the brown bar is all it takes! Mwah! Thanks for your votes! I'll buy you a beer next time I am out being social. Deal? Deal.